I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
