Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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