I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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