I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Mom said you looked used
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
