So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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