Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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