I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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