so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Drunk is not a location!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
