dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
