I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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