Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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