weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
