Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
