i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
