Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
