I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
