Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize