I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
