I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
