I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
