Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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