is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
