Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
