K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
