I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
