The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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