Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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