i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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