if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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