I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
