You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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