We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
