What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please come you make the beer taste better
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
