Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
