How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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