The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
