the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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