I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My balls are so social today.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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