I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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