1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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