I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Randomize
