Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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