I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
