I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
