Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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