Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I party with great urgency now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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