I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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