I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
