I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
