i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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