He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
