one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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