are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize