do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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