In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
