What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize