what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
