Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
