just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
